I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
