Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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