my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
