HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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