Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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