the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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