omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
