It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
