Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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