I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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