I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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