they need to just BURY HIM!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Drunk is not a location!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
