quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
