I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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