This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
