I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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