Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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