I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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