don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
