Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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