Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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