i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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