I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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