So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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