What did we do last night that was yellow?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
