Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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