I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
