My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
