Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
