Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
