Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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