you have to choose: penises or morals?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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