I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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