my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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