it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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