Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
