You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
