Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
