glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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