i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
