when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
