I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
