Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
