Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
