You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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