brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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