Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
