a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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