mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
