Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
