I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
