Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
