brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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